Golden Predictions

The 50th Anniversary Book ...

No, not some BBC-sponsored fluff ...

On January 1, TA celebrates its golden anniversary, dragging us kicking and screaming into the third millenium as it notches up its half-ton, raising its bat to the pavilion of British life ... but how will it acknowledge the crowd?

The conspiracy theorists, entertaining purveyors of quality fiction to the paranoid masses, might suggest that 50 is good age and there's no place for every day stories of country folk in an our twenty-first century information society - after all, I get many messages telling me that my summaries are almost better than the real thing, people can keep up with the plots without having to actually listen. Perhaps this is the way forward - a 5-bullet point precis uploaded daily to the BBC's website? Readable via WAP phone or PDA while travelling home on the daily commute.

But less likely is some unexpected storyline; Kate returning, Elizabeth shuffling off, Tom being offed by a coven, Lynda leaving in one final, glories fit of pique, David and Ruth emigrating, the Grundys winning the lottery, Brian going bankrupt ...

What are everyone's predictions? If you've any ideas, let me know - send an email to

Bankruptcy Attorney
and I'll publish, those that are publishable at least, them on this site and we can see who's right ...

Some Responses

Here are some of the choicer cuts ...

Elizabeth to collapse, having choked on the sixpence in Jill's home-made christmas pud. She joins the heavenly angels Tim and Janet to enjoy some christmas stuffing together. (Tim likes a nice plump bird!) Jennifer and Brian are just pulling the wishbone and in walks..................Kate!
Anyway, my fantasy - sorry, prediction:

Having been well and truly shafted by the dreadful mass murderer, Dr Richard Lock, Usha is similarly two-timed by her current prospective male lovers. Meanwhile, the equally dreadful, though admittedly less homicidal, Dr Tim, spurned by his wife's sudden interest in the Mikado, makes an amorous move on Janet the Vicar at which point Janet, whilst appreciating his attentions, suddenly declares that she 'doesn't do men'. Shortly afterwards, the vicar and St Usha are once again embarking on a pilgrimage for yet another worthy cause and, out of the blue, indulge in the Ambridge equivalent of the 'Brookside Kiss'. Let's hope this is slightly more erotic than the Sid and Jolene 'shower scene' (come to think of it, dancing naked around the maypole with Jo Grundy on a wet and windy Wednesday would be more erotic than that attempt at erotic drama).

Actually, I'm almost certain that the second part will not happen. I wouldn't, however, rule out the prospect of Janet turning out to be gay with an almighty fracas ensuing about the C of E and sexuality.

Watch this space, you heard it here first

How about Elizabeth dying?
David & Ruth finally blow their tops about the lack of consultation re the farm and definitely decide to leave Ambridge (thus paving the way for a sorrowful return sometime next year, when Ruth has a relapse and can no longer cope with the kids. She, of course, dies towards the end of the year, leaving David to bring up the kids alone. (Either this, or Elizabeth has a sudden heart attack through overwork and dies.) Reasoning - there has been no recent death in Ambridge, and we have not explored the possibilities of either a long drawn out terminal illness (Ruth) or a father being left to bring up the kids alone (David or Nigel). Roy and Hayley decide to marry, (the traditional Xmas happy news) thus opening the door for Kate's return and further trauma over Phoebe.
Tommy Archer having an affair with Linda Snell after being rejected by every female under 35 in the village. Eddy Grundy taking over the running of the Bull Caroline having a fling with Oliver whatsisname (dead cert) The new beat combo appearing on TOTP with Eddy G (father) as lead vocals Phil retiring ....................
Nearlyevery woman of reasonable age becomes pregnant
  • Ruth - ahhhhhhh
  • Hayley - oops. No, Roy and I are very pleased really.
  • Debbie - i. well, i had to happen sometime, and ii. that'll take the smile off her face
  • Pat (!!) - well..........
  • The Vicar - by the doctor - all these drinks at the pub..who're they fooling?
  • Caroline - by the new squire she's been fooling with in Grange Farm's turkey shed
  • Brenda - by the controller of Borchester Sound or wherever it is she works
  • Fallon - EDWAAAAAARD!!!!!!!
  • Jolene - as if Sid doesnt have enough on his plate
  • Siohban - You know that conference she went to ...............
  • Lizzie - with a bit of luck it'll be triplets, and she'll be so busy changing nappies we'll never hear from her again.
  • Shula - see Debbie's part ii
  • Kirsty AND Lauren - Tom had better put his running shoes on.
  • Susan - Neil didnt dither for once
  • Emma - Susan WOULD kill her, but she'll have problems of her own to worry about
  • Kate, well yes there's Kate. Out of kilter with the rest, as always, Kate arrives back just in time for the 50th anniversary prog.with another sprog in tow, relieving us of another new age pregnancy and birth, but allowing the SWs to have a field day with sibling rivalry issues between Pheebs and the sproglet.

As in US presidential elections, the person who comes out smiling is, of course the lawyer. Usha was clever enough, of course, to keep taking the tablets, and will handle all the paternity suits!!!!!!

Kirsty and Lauren get their revenge on Tom Archer by making him into "organic" serve him up on the vilage green on New Years Eve.
Phil dies, leaving everything unresolved
Debbie decides to jack in farming - perhaps because she and simon are leaving for Canada, perhaps not. Anyway, Brian is left in the lurch.

David and Ruth, having found out about Phil going behind their back and the involvement of Elizabeth, give in their notice. They plan to move to France (or Kent) but then Brian, hearing about this, offers them joint management of Home farm (and the estate) with the promise that they will inherit when he goes as none of his or Jennifer's children are interested (and he gets their agreement so there is no prospect of another inheritance wrangle for David). He also goes for the Beef scheme as it is a brilliant scheme and makes their fortunes (but this is a few years down the line). When she hears about David and Ruth being in line to inherit Home Farm, Elizabeth says that it is not fair and *she* is entitled to some of it after all Jenny is her aunt (second cousin?) and she is only thinking about the twins......she drops dead with a heart attack, A nation rejoices. Shula leaves Alistair and marrys Nigel, Alistair keeps Dan'l as he has an equal right as they both adopted him and Shula is a slut so the courts favour him. He leaves Ambridge and we never hear of Dan'l again. Meanwhile. Phil decides to leave Brookfield to the Grundys as it should have been theirs in the first place anyway..... (actually, perhaps Elizabeth goes pop at this point). Kenton says it is not fair and asks for a handout.

Meanwhile at Bridge farm, Helen asks Tony how he is planning to split the farm in his will........

  1. Elizabeth Pargetter will die of heart failure, probably on New Year's Eve when Phil announces his plans for Brookfield and the inheritance row. But soon anyway.
  2. Oliver Sterling will get Caroline into bed, also probably on New Year's Eve, may be on Christmas Eve and they'll become an item, possibly leading to marriage.
  3. Fallon will finally get Tom. (especially after Kirsty, Lauren and Hayley's plans to exact revenge backfire, helped by Fallon of course).
  4. Emmerr will finally get William Grundy.
  5. Phoebe will start calling Hayley "mummy" just as Kate returns to reclaim her and a nasty custody battle will ensue.
  6. Janet and Tim will NOT have a full-blown affair - too predictable - I think it will remain intense but chaste. Siobhan may have other plans though...
  7. Sid will finally get divorced from Kathy "poison" Perks and will ask Jolene to marry him. She'll turn him down, preferring to live with him instead.
  8. Brookfield, managed by David and Ruth, will go into niche farming.
  9. Kevin the milk man will have a fling with Debby Gerrard behind Simon's back.
  10. Can't think of anything else.
Well, presumably Caroline will eventually marry this new guy on the scene - the one living in the Grundy's old house. The Grundy family will carry on as per usual. We've never had a suicide in the Archers so there's always that possibility. I think something really shocking (well, to the listeners) will happen with the Phil and the farm subject. I think Phil will leave the whole thing lock, stock and barrel to David and Ruth and Elizabeth will be so, so stressed she'll have a heart attack - maybe die, not sure. Tom will get someone pregnant and have to marry them - although that's really a bit outdated somehow. And, to add a touch of spice, Nelson will return (although of course it will have to be a different voice). Sid will marry Jolene and then sue Kathy for full custody of Jamie and Kathy will somehow leave the programme. Anything could happen.
Oh wise one

Through my crystal ball I see Josh Archer getting a train for Xmas

You heard it here first

Well, as VW has said specifically that the cliffhanger will involve the Brookfield inheritance finally being resolved, it seems most likely to me that Lizzie will have a heart attack and die on New Year's Day, brought on by the stress of a vicious family row (perhaps even Nigel will disagree with her - bringing years worth of guilt) and by not having that operation when she should have. It would also fit in with the manic workaholic persona she's been inhabiting lately.

It's not just wishful thinking, honest.

Elizabeth will die on New Year's Day, or sooner if she likes.

Sid will find out about Kathy's management job and tell his solicitor he won't give her a penny now she's got a manager's salary. However, Nigel will be so eaten up with grief following Elizabeth's death that his mind won't be on Kathy's starting date at all. Lower Loxley will get deeper into the financial mire without Elizabeth's exclusive knowledge of business matters. Ruth and David will advise him to "get a consultant in".

Kathy, following her disappointment over her job, will make Sid's life hell. Although he should be used to this following 13 years of marriage, he becomes increasingly depressed and starts to let things slide at the Bull. Caroline feels obliged to "interfere", makins Sid feel even worse. Jolly Jolene gets mightily fed up with him, chucks him out, and is immediately rewarded with a manager's job at the Bull by Caroline.

Kate returns and mega custody battle over Feebz ensues.